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Friday, October 29, 2010

Audrina Patridge's White Trash Mama!
by J.S. Lambert

Tuesday night blew in some bad news for us and for Audrina Patridge.  We will no longer be able to gaze at the triple stacked former Hills sensation, as she gallops her donkey ass around the Floor on Dancing w/ the Stars.  Audrina's ice blue eyes center stage can make even the most seasoned dance critic momentarily lose track of what type of contest is being judged.  Admittedly the Hills clashed with nearly every rule I have for watching a television show.  Still, my ass tuned in on the regular to see just what that sexy kitten was up to.  We're all a sucker for a girl with a quirk.  Audrina's little lazy eye pretty much reached out and grabbed that remote to make sure that the Hills was programed on our TiVos.

My father always told me growing up "before you get involved in a serious relationship, check out the girl's mama".  This theory has proved to be factual on several occasions in my life.  Nine times out of ten a chick is gonna end up looking very similar to her mother.  Often, they will also eerily wind up sharing many of big mama's personality traits as well.  This could spell tragedy or deliver triumph.  It may be time to place Audrina Patridge on the shelf following what we witnessed her drunken mother blurting out, during an extended interview with Hollywood.tv.com the other night.  Here are some of her ingenious quotes:

"She's kicking ass on a reality show and we're going to fucking smoke, especially Lauren Conrad's pissy ass little fashion shit," Lynn rambled, hinting jealously at LC's brand new contract with VH1. "That bitch wants to bring it on? Let's go! Fucking let's go!...I've been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bullshit, but Audrina is going to the next level. She's got it in her. Fucking Hills girls. Hills tramps! My baby is a star, she's the only one that has some class."

Thank God my mother doesn't drink!  Audrina probably wishes her mother wasn't alive at this point.  How mortifying!  I'm sure her Hills buddies that made her famous are gonna love this. 

For all you Audrina lovers out there, follow my father's words of wisdom and check out this slurring, babbling, hot-mess, of a GILF.  After seeing this embarrassing youtube footage of Lynn Patridge, I am certain that while many horny men out there still think that both ladies remain in the "do-able" category, certainly they will agree to take a pass on considering Audrina as a future wife prospect.  It is a damn shame that this old bag has wasted her good looks, and daughter's reputation as a good lay and a nice wife to be.  Watch Audrina Patridge's drunken hag mother and let me know if you think she is still a hottie that will stand the test of time. 


Anonymous said...

Did not see that interview. Glad that woman wasn't my Mom!

Barbara L said...

What a great poem by Brayden Blayse! Good stuff!